Katie

kayde06 @ 2008-10-13T21:13:00

2008-10-14T02:45:24Z

While I should totally be studying for my anatomy midterm I cannot help but wonder does she ever think of me (she being Melanie). Melanie the woman I dated almost four years ago. The one that called from Santorini Greece to break up with me at 6am (CST). The woman who in a matter of minutes had me so tightly wrapped around her finger that I had trouble breathing. The woman who with a look could bring me to my knees. But you know I still do not know if I truly loved her or if I was just totally infatuated, mesmerized.....she was not what most people think of as a true beauty but to me she was my Mona Lisa, my Madonna of the Rocks. She brought something alive in me that I truly thought was dead and gone. A fire. Or was it just the sex. That has always been a problem for me. Not the act of having sex but of thinking that the sex is love or some feeling of love and with Mel it was easy to mix the two. The sex was something that I will never forget. I can still visualize her hands, long slender pale skin cut nail or where they bitten. I think she bit her nails she always was kind of nervous. Some what scattered. She made me laugh, think of things that I had never thought of before, she made me feel that I was there. There in the moment and that nothing else mattered. The first night we slept together she feed me brie crackers and fruit in bed and then we fell asleep in each others arms facing each other legs entangled breath on each others face. Like the Kiss. We did not move all not long and we woke up the same way we fell asleep. I was scared to death I threw my clothes on and ran out the door. She so kindly reminded me later that day when she called me that I did not kiss her good bye. Sorry, I had not brushed my teeth I replied. What was I supposed to tell her that I had to get out of there before I came unglued. That she had just given me the best night of my life so far. No I could not I had to try and stay cool in the most dorky way possible. But that is just me.

kayde06 @ 2008-04-05T23:18:00

2008-04-06T04:37:36Z

I am feeling very blah tonight. It has been yet another day where I feel totally unwanted and unattractive. Tina and I have been together for a little over 3 years and for the last 2 and a half our sex life has truly sucked. I absolutely hate feeling like this and I feel that she does not care that I am hurting. For a while I could understand sort of why we were not having sex but now it is just ridiculous. For anyone you knows me knows that I am a very sexual person and I really cannot handle this much longer. I am so tired of prompting her to have sex and being turned down or her actually going through with it yet not reciprocating the favor. Another thing that she does is that if she does actually have sex with me she acts like it such a fucking chore. It is not that hard to get me off so what the fuck? I love Tina, I truly do I want to spend my life with this woman but I do not want my life to be a sexless one. I miss being touched and being made to feel wanted. I know that I am not beautiful but I do think that I am cute (or I use to). I hate this.

Really it has almost been a year?

2007-07-12T02:35:20Z

So, it really has been a while since I have written anything. There has been so many changes in my life in the last year that I cannot believe that I have not written about any of it. I have changed jobs several times, gone through a lot with Tina and done so much. Wow....I should really try to write more often. I use to write all the time about what was going on in my life and it always seemed to help. Anyway, enough about that.

Where to begin?

mmmmmmm...........My life is about to take another big turn. I will be going back to school in a month. I am going to go into the medical field. I am pretty excited about the idea of getting a degree where I know there will always be a job and relatively good money to be made. I love what I do working in design/advertisement but I have found for me that there is no guarantee that there will always be a job/money. I know, I know those two things are not the most important things in the world, but they sure do make things a lot easier.

My goal is to get a BSN (Bachelors of Science in Nursing) and then after working for a year in an ICU go back and become a CRNA (Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist). I originally got the idea to do this from one of my uncles. He is a CRNA and loves what he does. Something that he said once has stuck with me for along time. He said: "Once you become a CRNA you have made it and you will never really have to go without anything." Now I know that sort of sounds ridiculous but I know that he is right. He has been able to afford to do a lot of things, and I am not talking solely about buying things for his family and himself. But rather the fact that when my mother was unable to take care of the house note that my father left her with he paid it in full every single month for a year and a half. I do not know to many people that would be able to do something like that and I hope that one day if need be that I could do the same thing. I do not want to worry over things like money for the rest of my life. I find it to be so tedious some times.

On another note...Tina and I are doing pretty good these days. We have been together now for like 2 1/2 years. We have been through a lot together, so much so that I do not think that I could really explain it all. But, we have grown closer together over time and I can say without any doubt that I truly love her entirely. I have really had to work on my patients and trust, but things seem to be good. I know that all relationships have problems and "turbulence" at times and I think that we can get through times of "turbulence" again. I am thinking and wanting to buy her a ring, but I do not know if I can yet. Maybe in the next year or so....mmmmmm

Well, I guess I have rambled enough for one night, so for now LJ good bye.

kayde06 @ 2006-09-13T13:49:00

2006-09-13T19:11:06Z

There are so many things that I want to say and I do not know where to begin. My past is haunting me today. People are running across my mind and I am disturbed. It is funny how something so abstract can pull a memory out of the trash. How is it that you feel as if you have moved on physically and mentally and still someone can grab you and throw you to the floor, with such a force that you ache? The mind is a dangerous place to dumpster dive. You never know what you might find, a smile, a tear, a fight.

kayde06 @ 2006-01-09T11:19:00

2006-01-09T17:33:07Z

Bored at work once again I begin to think back on my weekend. I was productive in a sense but then again I did absolutely nothing. I took my 2 dogs (Sophie and Georgia) for a walk in the park and enjoyed the fact that in the south plants will grow year around. The camillias were in full bloom and the park smelled delicious. I started an herb garden with my partner and we made my mother a birthday dinner that was incredible. Crab, shrimp, whole roasted garlic, veggies, and garlic bread and to end off the meal a wonderful chocolate cheese cake, yummy! I like my life here and can not wait for to warm up a bit so that I can go fishing (one of my favorite weekend things to do)and sit on the beach with a good book. My life is simple not full of glamor but it is a good life and it is mine. I live for me finally.

kayde06 @ 2005-12-19T15:22:00

2005-12-19T21:41:13Z

Wow it has been a long time since I wrote on this thing. I guess since I am at work and bored to death (just kidding, I really should be working) I can speed type something.

I am really doing good these days (knock on wood). I am working for a classified paper designing ads and I like it pretty well. Like every other job it has its ups and downs, but it is experience and that is what counts the most to me right now. I am still living in Alabama and suprisingly enough I like it here now. Granted that hurricane season sucks a big monkey's ass, I love the fact that I live about 30 minutes from 4 different beaches, I live in a city and I have a nice apartment in a very nice neighborhood. I don't know of too many more things that I can ask for.

As far as my personal life I am dating someone (of course) and she is a pretty cool person (I like her). Her name is Tina and we met at a job that I had when I first moved to Mobile. We have began to talk seriously about family and that sort of thing and I am incridibly excited about that. (I think that I would be a great parent.)

Anyway I need to get back to work, talk to you later livejournal!

kayde06 @ 2004-09-06T19:25:00

2004-09-07T00:36:28Z

I slept with someone new the other night. It was not the same as it was Her. Not even close. No touching, or at least not me. The first time I could not let her touch me the second time I did not know how I felt the third however I was almost ready to beg her to. With Her it was always equal even if I could not let Her touch me I was still able to be satisfied. With the new person I do not know what to think. Being with new people is always hard for me. Self consciousness sucks.

kayde06 @ 2004-08-15T19:28:00

2004-08-16T00:43:01Z

This week has been a difficult week to endure. I found out that Mel is dating someone new, I hit rock bottom from one more thing happening that I just did not want to happen then my father showed up and caused drama.

Now I am contemplating moving to California in two weeks to live with my father for two months.

Advantages:

1. I would be out of the "Dirty, Dirty South".

2. I could explore the San Fransisco area.

3. Maybe I could build some sort of relationship with my father.

Condition:

1. My father will have to agree to not gamble.

2. Mary (the crazy ex-girlfriend) can not come around.

Not a Boy

2004-08-08T04:22:03Z

There is this guy at work who has been giving me a hard time since I started working at the restaurant. He makes it a point (it seems) to say that everything that anyone does that is stupid or clumsy or anything else that should have a negative description behind it is gay. "That's gay man." "Your gay", blah, blah, blah. Even after I have explained to him that what he says offends me and why it offends me he continues to say it.

Also, he makes it a point to refer to me as a male, even though he knows that I am a female. Yes, I do have a short hair cut and I am a lesbian and I wear mens clothes, but I do not identify as a man nor do I act like a man. Therefore, I do not like to be called a man.

I have been putting up with this shit for the past two months and I have grown to dislike this guy very much. Tonight however I wanted to rip his fucking head off.

I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and talking to some of my co-workers when this guy walked by me with a cart and pushed it into my legs. So I pushed it back at him and he pushed it at me and says "Boy, don't do that". So I looked at him and he looked at me and I said "Don't call me that". Well then he really crossed the line and said "if your going to act like a boy then I am going to treat you like a boy and kick your ass". So I pushed him and he pushed me and then (we were in the hallway in the kitchen then) he said "do we need to take this out side", so I ran and pushed him again and then some other guy grabbed me and carried me outside.

Point of the story I got to a semi-fight with a guy tonight.

Hungry

2004-07-24T06:08:59Z

You know I would like to someday have a piece of the pie that the 1% in America enjoys everyday of there fucking rich little lives. I work just as hard or harder than the next person and I would (yes I am saying it) like to get something in return, instead of another bill that I cannot afford to pay or another notice that I do not qualify or that I am being let go of this policy and/or the next.

I pay my taxes, do good deeds and what the hell do I get in return but shit poured on top of my fucking head. Thank you very fucking much Federal Government for screwing the other 99% of the population out of their fucking dreams.

For the past four years I have worked my ass off to get into a school, I was excepted, only to find out that the government does not want to help me pay for my education.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel somewhat better now.

Tomorrow I will begin on my journey of bugging the hell out whoever I can so that I might have funding for school.

Frustrated

2004-07-23T05:50:00Z

Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike our federal government and the department of education?

Ready to move on

2004-07-22T03:38:56Z

In the last few weeks I have made a couple of decisions about myself and my life.

1. I am going to move to Savannah early.
(I cannot stand living here in Gulf Shores, AL, there are too many rednecks, not enough things to occupy my time with and my mother and I are not getting along.)

2. I think I will stay single for a while.
(I have been depressed since I moved here, and while dealing with that I cannot deal with another person's feelings and problems.)

Now it is time to take those decisions and do something about them, because you can make all the "decisions" in the world but unless you act on them then they are just ideas.

O.K. yes I am scared to move to Savannah and I am scarred of being alone and yes I do miss Mel like hell, but, to take a line from a bad movie, "I have made up my mind and counted to three".

Survey

2004-07-21T05:38:43Z

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	5 min ago`
Last Alcoholic Drink:	1am this morning
Last Car Ride:	tonight
Last Kiss:	1 month 1 day
Last Good Cry:	a month ago
Last Library Book:	Art History Book
Last book bought:	Cheese Monkeys
Last Book Read:	Tipping the Velvet
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	Spider Man 2
Last Movie Rented:	Shindler's List
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	Fuck
Last Beverage Drank:	Sweet Tea
Last Food Consumed:	Half Baked Ice Cream
Last Crush:	Melanie
Last Phone Call:	Tonight to my mom
Last TV Show Watched:	Biography
Last Time Showered:	a hour and one-half ago
Last Shoes Worn:	New Balance
Last CD Played:	Melissa Etheridge- Skin
Last Item Bought:	Cigs
Last Download:	Eamon-"I don't want you back"
Last Annoyance:	Co-worker not doing their job
Last Disappointment:	Melanie
Last Soda Drank:	Coke
Last Thing Written:	Letter to Mel
Last Key Used:	Car Key
Last Words Spoken:	Goodnight
Last Sleep:	11:30am today
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	Half Baked
Last Chair Sat In:	Yellow Plastic
Last Webpage Visited:	Livejournal.com
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it's been a while

2004-07-01T18:49:28Z

It has been so long since I have written that I do not know where to begin. My current situation is this:

I moved to Gulf Shores, Alabama on May 24th to move in with my mom. She has been having a hard time and since I graduated from school finally I decided to move to help her out. She had been living in a RV trailer that belonged to a friend of hers for the last year and was wanting to get her on place. However, she could not afford it, so to her aid I came. We found a house to rent and we are now living in it, splitting everything down the middle.

It is ok living with my mother again. I have become her own personal tech support person since I got here. Every time I turn around I am being asked to fix something (which is something that I am used to b/c of the other women in my life). The only down side really is that she is embarrassed by the fact that I am gay. She has found an interesting way of saying anything about anything that has to do with being gay; alternative, alternative lifestyle, alternative club, etc., etc. It is like she cannot say the word gay or lesbian, that would be to real. And she cannot say girlfriend (she is not exactly my girlfriend but I do not know which category to put her in, friend/lover/sex pertner) when referring to Melanie, I should say ex-all-of-that, she cannot even say her name correctly.

Yes that is correct I have been dumped again, what is new. I have decided that I am not going to gay bars any more, especially not to meet women, because nothing good ever comes from it.

I do have good news though I was accepted to Savannah College of Art and Design and will be attending in January.

kayde06 @ 2004-01-06T15:13:00

2004-01-06T21:29:25Z

Hello Live Journal

It has been a while since I last wrote in this journal and since the last entry there has been some new developments. I met this woman named Melanie at Novak's in November and we have been seeing a lot of each other. Mostly we have just been sleeping together like every night that we can. The sex is great and the company is the same. We talk about different things about life and relationships but not really about us ever having one. (Which I think is a good thing.)She talks about her relationship that just ended and I talk about Rach. I think that she is a really good person and she is extremely funny. She keeps me laughing all the time. She is beautiful and smart and talented. She is a writer (an artist) which I really like. I like being around people that have an idea of some of things that an artist goes through......the hard work, motivation, time off that is needed......these things are things that I can appreciate. Like I said she is beautiful, both inside and out..........

"LOVE"

2003-11-14T06:42:15Z

I hurt every day still and always I feel as if there is a missing piece to my complete self Something that I will never find I thought at one time that I was whole and needed nothing more but now I know that I was wrong I will always need something more I will be thirsty and hungry and I will need sleep and the satisfaction of my self but even more than that I will need love from another and for another I will need to know that someone loves me the way that I love them and that is something that I cannot make happen it is not like my other needs the needs that I can fulfill I can satisfy any need and want that I have for myself other than that one I can help others find there way to that, "love" and I have I gave someone a number so that they could find their way I brought someone to a bar I can do it for others but not myself I cannot make it happen I have to wait for ever I believe I had my chance and I messed it up I tasted happiness before and it left a bitter taste in my mouth I gave all that I have and it that "love" left me feeling empty and weak

kayde06 @ 2003-09-14T13:16:00

2003-09-14T18:27:52Z

I do not know what is wrong with me. I go to that bar or some other one and drink my life and money away. I am not just talking about a little drinking either. I'm talking about drinking to the point of being drunk. All of the bartenders now know my name and that is sad and depressing. I have very few friends but the bartenders know my name. What a life I have created. Something has to give.

And because of my drinking I do not think I will be dating anyone anytime soon. There was this girl that I was trying to talk to for the last few weeks and I think that I fucked that up on Friday, but I am not sure. I know I did somethings that made me seem like an asshole but I can not remember when and if she saw me do them. Basically I just do not need to speak to her again. If I fucked up and I am sure I did then I just do not want to know to what extent that I did fuck up. I do not think that she was very interested in me anyway.

And on that note I think that I will go take a shower and go to the art museum.

kayde06 @ 2003-08-20T09:27:00

2003-08-20T14:56:52Z

I drove to B'ham this weekend. Nine hours in the car alone thinking and singing. It was great. I had never driven to my home town alone before and it was a new experience for me. I think I should do that more often. Granted flying is nice, because it is only an hour and a half flight but, to be able to think uninterrupted and drive across beautiful country side was and is a very welcoming idea.

Mental note: Wear sunscreen on the next trip. (The left side of my body is very sunburned.)

After spending 5 days with my family and being around a lot of people that I had not seen in years, i realized that I never want ot move back to Alabama.

However, there was one person that I saw that made me really happy. She was my 8th and 10th grade English teacher. I don't know how to explain it really but in short she touched my life along time ago and the impact that she had continues to affect me to this day. I had been trying tho get in touch with her for a few years so that I could say thank you and I finally got my chance. I was so nervous walking down the hall in the school that she now teaches at that I almost threw up. What made the experience even better was that she seemed to be not only surprised to see me but really excited as well. It was great to be able to talk to to her again and find out what was going on in her life now. I feel as if I finally have closer to something that has been haunting me for years.

Lighter...

2003-08-13T05:36:32Z

I feel as if a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Today I gave my boss my two week notice. Yes!!!!!!!!! I am getting away from the YMCA. I have a job lined up already. Granted I will have a pay cut but, I will not be as stressed. Also, I think that I might go away for the weekend. Maybe I'll take a really long drive in my car and go camping or go to the beach. I don't know for sure where but something. I need to do some thinking and I have the idea that a long drive will do the trick.

Oh, by the way, thank you for the advice or should I say lecture. (Just kidding) ;)

Anyway, I think that I will go to bed now I have a busy day tomorrow.

kayde06 @ 2003-08-10T20:47:00

2003-08-11T01:54:15Z

I feel everything and nothing all at he same god damn time I fell like I could scream and never stop I feel numb and bored I hate this god damn life that has been dealt to me give me a new hand god I just want to fold what the hell is it that i am working for nothing as far as i can see not one god damn thing i want to run and hide for about 21 more years i feel out of control of my life i lost control a long time ago and i dont know how to get it back

kayde06 @ 2003-07-29T14:11:00

2003-07-29T19:12:55Z

Rude people suck! What more can I say?

kayde06 @ 2003-07-23T00:15:00

2003-07-23T05:39:42Z

Sitting at Mokabe's tonight I began to think about my life once again. The fact that I am lonely. I go to that coffee shop every night that I am not at the bar and sit. Mostly I just read a book, think or watch people until I am to exhausted to do it anymore. So I go home to do the same thing, thinking and reading, while I lay in bed. No sleep for the weary, uh.

I wish that I was not the type of person that needs to be around other people. To be some what of a loner. But I can't. Deep down I don't want to be different, because then I would not be me. People preach to me that I need to learn to be alone. But you know what I do know how to be alone and I still do not like it. My ex is the worlds worse. Who is she to talk. She began dating someone two weeks after we broke up. She has not been alone.

When I am alone I cannot do the things that I like to do. Which is to do things for other people, anything to make them smile. I bought flowers for my ex last night just so I could pretend for a moment that I had someone to care for.

I left them at her door step at midnight so she would stumble upon them in the morning. Of course she thought there was some kind of motive behind them, but there was not. Just to be nice.

I wish there was someone else to do those things for.

kayde06 @ 2003-07-20T19:31:00

2003-07-21T00:53:39Z

Why?

Why do I keep doing the same old shit day after day?

Why do I continue to hang out with the same tired people?

Why do I continue to subject myself to stupid, selfish, thoughtless people?

Answers!

Because you having nothing better to do.

You are alone and you are tired of it.

You want one more friend but not just any friend.

Goals:

To be happy with myself and what I am doing in the present. (Not what I have accomplished and not what I plan to accomplish, but right now.)

To move on and let things go.

To be honest with myself and accept my honesty. [(Why is it that I can be honest with everyone else but my self?)
Because maybe you are not really being honest with everyone. Really]

To stop adoring women, because they never appreciate it and they never treat you they in which you treat them.

Respect and love myself. (How do you expect someone to do those things if you cannot yourself?)

Solution:

To live my life to the best of my ability and learn from everything.

My biggest fear is that history will repeat it self once again.

Blahhhhh.....

2003-07-17T16:47:35Z

All I have to say is that women are driving me absolutely insane.

I went out last night with a bunch of people (one of which was my ex) to Blue Berry Hill. Everything was fine and good until I notice that the ex was getting really, really drunk. So I ask her "are you going to be able to drive home" and she answers no. Well we sit there for a little while longer and the ex leans over to me and says "take me home right now". Well obviously she was not feeling to good because as soon as we get out side she begins to puke up everything that she had drank.

So after the projectile vomiting was over we began to walk to my car, and the girl turns around and says to me "forget it I'm driving myself home".

What the fuck! I mean she has just now puked because she was too drunk and now she thinks that she is going to drive her self home. I don't think so. So then she says "well you can drive me but you have to stay at my house and walk the dog". NO!!!!

So at this point I am a little bit pissed so I told her to just go back to the bar and ask one of our friends to take her home. Well they would not do it and I was not about to let her drunk ass drive her self home. So I agree that I will stay with her if she will just let me drive her home. (Mind you that I did not want to.) So finally we get to her truck since she would get in my car and I begin to drive her home. And she begins psycho analyze me, asking why I hate her so much and making all these assumptions. Oh my god!

Needless to say I was so fucking pissed last night that I just wanted to scream. But I didn't. I did not say a god damn thing to her. So then we get to her house and I walk the dog and when I get back to the apartment she was in the bed (THANK GOD). But the bad thing is and the reason I did not want to stay with her was that I had to sleep in the damn bed with her. Well she continues to do her psycho thing and I continued to ignore her until I just could not take it any more. When finally I told her to "shut up and go to sleep because obviously I do not want to talk to you". And then she has the never to try and snuggle with me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear that woman drives me nuts.

kayde06 @ 2003-07-03T11:31:00

2003-07-03T16:59:34Z

I really messed up last night.

Beginning that way just does not sound good uh....Well this is what happened:

I went out last night with some friends one of which was my ex and guess what I got drunk once again. But anyway that is not the only way I messed up. So after going to to this one bar we decided that we wanted to go over to Novak's and hang out. Well of course I wanted to dance and I well, I danced with my ex. Not such a bad thing. But then it was time to go home and since my ex was the one driving and had to drop every one off I suggested that she drop everyone else off first. So we get to my house and since I am watching her/our dog for the weekend I suggested that she come up and say goodnight to Oscar. Can you see where this is leading.

(My thoughts in the car)
"I don't want to be alone tonight and I want to kiss someone tonight. I wonder if I can get my ex to come up to my apartment. Then maybe I will not have to spend the night alone."

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Well needless to say my plan did not work out the way I wanted it to. I tried and then I was quickly reminded that we had a history together and that she was "in love" with someone else. Which then lead into the conversation that I needed to learn to be alone.

"I have! I am the one that has been alone since she and I broke up. Granted I still don't like it but it is a little bit easier than it was 5 months ago."

So I guess the moral of this whole frigging thing is that I just need to chill out and even though I don't want to be alone I don't need to be so desperate that I try something with my ex again and save my self the embarrassment.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.....................