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[13 Oct 2008|09:13pm] |
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While I should totally be studying for my anatomy midterm I cannot help but wonder does she ever think of me (she being Melanie). Melanie the woman I dated almost four years ago. The one that called from Santorini Greece to break up with me at 6am (CST). The woman who in a matter of minutes had me so tightly wrapped around her finger that I had trouble breathing. The woman who with a look could bring me to my knees. But you know I still do not know if I truly loved her or if I was just totally infatuated, mesmerized.....she was not what most people think of as a true beauty but to me she was my Mona Lisa, my Madonna of the Rocks. She brought something alive in me that I truly thought was dead and gone. A fire. Or was it just the sex. That has always been a problem for me. Not the act of having sex but of thinking that the sex is love or some feeling of love and with Mel it was easy to mix the two. The sex was something that I will never forget. I can still visualize her hands, long slender pale skin cut nail or where they bitten. I think she bit her nails she always was kind of nervous. Some what scattered. She made me laugh, think of things that I had never thought of before, she made me feel that I was there. There in the moment and that nothing else mattered. The first night we slept together she feed me brie crackers and fruit in bed and then we fell asleep in each others arms facing each other legs entangled breath on each others face. Like the Kiss. We did not move all not long and we woke up the same way we fell asleep. I was scared to death I threw my clothes on and ran out the door. She so kindly reminded me later that day when she called me that I did not kiss her good bye. Sorry, I had not brushed my teeth I replied. What was I supposed to tell her that I had to get out of there before I came unglued. That she had just given me the best night of my life so far. No I could not I had to try and stay cool in the most dorky way possible. But that is just me.
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[05 Apr 2008|11:18pm] |
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I am feeling very blah tonight. It has been yet another day where I feel totally unwanted and unattractive. Tina and I have been together for a little over 3 years and for the last 2 and a half our sex life has truly sucked. I absolutely hate feeling like this and I feel that she does not care that I am hurting. For a while I could understand sort of why we were not having sex but now it is just ridiculous. For anyone you knows me knows that I am a very sexual person and I really cannot handle this much longer. I am so tired of prompting her to have sex and being turned down or her actually going through with it yet not reciprocating the favor. Another thing that she does is that if she does actually have sex with me she acts like it such a fucking chore. It is not that hard to get me off so what the fuck? I love Tina, I truly do I want to spend my life with this woman but I do not want my life to be a sexless one. I miss being touched and being made to feel wanted. I know that I am not beautiful but I do think that I am cute (or I use to). I hate this.
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| Really it has almost been a year? |
[11 Jul 2007|08:51pm] |
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 good |
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So, it really has been a while since I have written anything. There has been so many changes in my life in the last year that I cannot believe that I have not written about any of it. I have changed jobs several times, gone through a lot with Tina and done so much. Wow....I should really try to write more often. I use to write all the time about what was going on in my life and it always seemed to help. Anyway, enough about that.
Where to begin?
mmmmmmm...........My life is about to take another big turn. I will be going back to school in a month. I am going to go into the medical field. I am pretty excited about the idea of getting a degree where I know there will always be a job and relatively good money to be made. I love what I do working in design/advertisement but I have found for me that there is no guarantee that there will always be a job/money. I know, I know those two things are not the most important things in the world, but they sure do make things a lot easier.
My goal is to get a BSN (Bachelors of Science in Nursing) and then after working for a year in an ICU go back and become a CRNA (Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist). I originally got the idea to do this from one of my uncles. He is a CRNA and loves what he does. Something that he said once has stuck with me for along time. He said: "Once you become a CRNA you have made it and you will never really have to go without anything." Now I know that sort of sounds ridiculous but I know that he is right. He has been able to afford to do a lot of things, and I am not talking solely about buying things for his family and himself. But rather the fact that when my mother was unable to take care of the house note that my father left her with he paid it in full every single month for a year and a half. I do not know to many people that would be able to do something like that and I hope that one day if need be that I could do the same thing. I do not want to worry over things like money for the rest of my life. I find it to be so tedious some times.
On another note...Tina and I are doing pretty good these days. We have been together now for like 2 1/2 years. We have been through a lot together, so much so that I do not think that I could really explain it all. But, we have grown closer together over time and I can say without any doubt that I truly love her entirely. I have really had to work on my patients and trust, but things seem to be good. I know that all relationships have problems and "turbulence" at times and I think that we can get through times of "turbulence" again. I am thinking and wanting to buy her a ring, but I do not know if I can yet. Maybe in the next year or so....mmmmmm
Well, I guess I have rambled enough for one night, so for now LJ good bye.
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[13 Sep 2006|01:49pm] |
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There are so many things that I want to say and I do not know where to begin. My past is haunting me today. People are running across my mind and I am disturbed. It is funny how something so abstract can pull a memory out of the trash. How is it that you feel as if you have moved on physically and mentally and still someone can grab you and throw you to the floor, with such a force that you ache? The mind is a dangerous place to dumpster dive. You never know what you might find, a smile, a tear, a fight.
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[09 Jan 2006|11:19am] |
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music |
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fax machine and people in the office laughing |
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Bored at work once again I begin to think back on my weekend. I was productive in a sense but then again I did absolutely nothing. I took my 2 dogs (Sophie and Georgia) for a walk in the park and enjoyed the fact that in the south plants will grow year around. The camillias were in full bloom and the park smelled delicious. I started an herb garden with my partner and we made my mother a birthday dinner that was incredible. Crab, shrimp, whole roasted garlic, veggies, and garlic bread and to end off the meal a wonderful chocolate cheese cake, yummy! I like my life here and can not wait for to warm up a bit so that I can go fishing (one of my favorite weekend things to do)and sit on the beach with a good book. My life is simple not full of glamor but it is a good life and it is mine. I live for me finally.
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[19 Dec 2005|03:22pm] |
Wow it has been a long time since I wrote on this thing. I guess since I am at work and bored to death (just kidding, I really should be working) I can speed type something.
I am really doing good these days (knock on wood). I am working for a classified paper designing ads and I like it pretty well. Like every other job it has its ups and downs, but it is experience and that is what counts the most to me right now. I am still living in Alabama and suprisingly enough I like it here now. Granted that hurricane season sucks a big monkey's ass, I love the fact that I live about 30 minutes from 4 different beaches, I live in a city and I have a nice apartment in a very nice neighborhood. I don't know of too many more things that I can ask for.
As far as my personal life I am dating someone (of course) and she is a pretty cool person (I like her). Her name is Tina and we met at a job that I had when I first moved to Mobile. We have began to talk seriously about family and that sort of thing and I am incridibly excited about that. (I think that I would be a great parent.)
Anyway I need to get back to work, talk to you later livejournal!
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[06 Sep 2004|07:25pm] |
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 discontent |
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I slept with someone new the other night. It was not the same as it was Her. Not even close. No touching, or at least not me. The first time I could not let her touch me the second time I did not know how I felt the third however I was almost ready to beg her to. With Her it was always equal even if I could not let Her touch me I was still able to be satisfied. With the new person I do not know what to think. Being with new people is always hard for me. Self consciousness sucks.
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[15 Aug 2004|07:28pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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This week has been a difficult week to endure. I found out that Mel is dating someone new, I hit rock bottom from one more thing happening that I just did not want to happen then my father showed up and caused drama.
Now I am contemplating moving to California in two weeks to live with my father for two months.
Advantages:
1. I would be out of the "Dirty, Dirty South".
2. I could explore the San Fransisco area.
3. Maybe I could build some sort of relationship with my father.
Condition:
1. My father will have to agree to not gamble.
2. Mary (the crazy ex-girlfriend) can not come around.
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| Not a Boy |
[07 Aug 2004|10:53pm] |
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 pissed off |
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There is this guy at work who has been giving me a hard time since I started working at the restaurant. He makes it a point (it seems) to say that everything that anyone does that is stupid or clumsy or anything else that should have a negative description behind it is gay. "That's gay man." "Your gay", blah, blah, blah. Even after I have explained to him that what he says offends me and why it offends me he continues to say it.
Also, he makes it a point to refer to me as a male, even though he knows that I am a female. Yes, I do have a short hair cut and I am a lesbian and I wear mens clothes, but I do not identify as a man nor do I act like a man. Therefore, I do not like to be called a man.
I have been putting up with this shit for the past two months and I have grown to dislike this guy very much. Tonight however I wanted to rip his fucking head off.
I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and talking to some of my co-workers when this guy walked by me with a cart and pushed it into my legs. So I pushed it back at him and he pushed it at me and says "Boy, don't do that". So I looked at him and he looked at me and I said "Don't call me that". Well then he really crossed the line and said "if your going to act like a boy then I am going to treat you like a boy and kick your ass". So I pushed him and he pushed me and then (we were in the hallway in the kitchen then) he said "do we need to take this out side", so I ran and pushed him again and then some other guy grabbed me and carried me outside.
Point of the story I got to a semi-fight with a guy tonight.
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| Hungry |
[24 Jul 2004|12:54am] |
You know I would like to someday have a piece of the pie that the 1% in America enjoys everyday of there fucking rich little lives. I work just as hard or harder than the next person and I would (yes I am saying it) like to get something in return, instead of another bill that I cannot afford to pay or another notice that I do not qualify or that I am being let go of this policy and/or the next.
I pay my taxes, do good deeds and what the hell do I get in return but shit poured on top of my fucking head. Thank you very fucking much Federal Government for screwing the other 99% of the population out of their fucking dreams.
For the past four years I have worked my ass off to get into a school, I was excepted, only to find out that the government does not want to help me pay for my education.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel somewhat better now.
Tomorrow I will begin on my journey of bugging the hell out whoever I can so that I might have funding for school.
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| Frustrated |
[23 Jul 2004|12:48am] |
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Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike our federal government and the department of education?
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| Ready to move on |
[21 Jul 2004|10:23pm] |
In the last few weeks I have made a couple of decisions about myself and my life.
1. I am going to move to Savannah early.
(I cannot stand living here in Gulf Shores, AL, there are too many rednecks, not enough things to occupy my time with and my mother and I are not getting along.)
2. I think I will stay single for a while.
(I have been depressed since I moved here, and while dealing with that I cannot deal with another person's feelings and problems.)
Now it is time to take those decisions and do something about them, because you can make all the "decisions" in the world but unless you act on them then they are just ideas.
O.K. yes I am scared to move to Savannah and I am scarred of being alone and yes I do miss Mel like hell, but, to take a line from a bad movie, "I have made up my mind and counted to three".
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| it's been a while |
[01 Jul 2004|12:24pm] |
It has been so long since I have written that I do not know where to begin. My current situation is this:
I moved to Gulf Shores, Alabama on May 24th to move in with my mom. She has been having a hard time and since I graduated from school finally I decided to move to help her out. She had been living in a RV trailer that belonged to a friend of hers for the last year and was wanting to get her on place. However, she could not afford it, so to her aid I came. We found a house to rent and we are now living in it, splitting everything down the middle.
It is ok living with my mother again. I have become her own personal tech support person since I got here. Every time I turn around I am being asked to fix something (which is something that I am used to b/c of the other women in my life). The only down side really is that she is embarrassed by the fact that I am gay. She has found an interesting way of saying anything about anything that has to do with being gay; alternative, alternative lifestyle, alternative club, etc., etc. It is like she cannot say the word gay or lesbian, that would be to real. And she cannot say girlfriend (she is not exactly my girlfriend but I do not know which category to put her in, friend/lover/sex pertner) when referring to Melanie, I should say ex-all-of-that, she cannot even say her name correctly.
Yes that is correct I have been dumped again, what is new. I have decided that I am not going to gay bars any more, especially not to meet women, because nothing good ever comes from it.
I do have good news though I was accepted to Savannah College of Art and Design and will be attending in January.
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[06 Jan 2004|03:13pm] |
Hello Live Journal
It has been a while since I last wrote in this journal and since the last entry there has been some new developments. I met this woman named Melanie at Novak's in November and we have been seeing a lot of each other. Mostly we have just been sleeping together like every night that we can. The sex is great and the company is the same. We talk about different things about life and relationships but not really about us ever having one. (Which I think is a good thing.)She talks about her relationship that just ended and I talk about Rach. I think that she is a really good person and she is extremely funny. She keeps me laughing all the time. She is beautiful and smart and talented. She is a writer (an artist) which I really like. I like being around people that have an idea of some of things that an artist goes through......the hard work, motivation, time off that is needed......these things are things that I can appreciate. Like I said she is beautiful, both inside and out..........
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| "LOVE" |
[14 Nov 2003|12:24am] |
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I hurt every day still and always I feel as if there is a missing piece to my complete self Something that I will never find I thought at one time that I was whole and needed nothing more but now I know that I was wrong I will always need something more I will be thirsty and hungry and I will need sleep and the satisfaction of my self but even more than that I will need love from another and for another I will need to know that someone loves me the way that I love them and that is something that I cannot make happen it is not like my other needs the needs that I can fulfill I can satisfy any need and want that I have for myself other than that one I can help others find there way to that, "love" and I have I gave someone a number so that they could find their way I brought someone to a bar I can do it for others but not myself I cannot make it happen I have to wait for ever I believe I had my chance and I messed it up I tasted happiness before and it left a bitter taste in my mouth I gave all that I have and it that "love" left me feeling empty and weak
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[14 Sep 2003|01:16pm] |
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I do not know what is wrong with me. I go to that bar or some other one and drink my life and money away. I am not just talking about a little drinking either. I'm talking about drinking to the point of being drunk. All of the bartenders now know my name and that is sad and depressing. I have very few friends but the bartenders know my name. What a life I have created. Something has to give.
And because of my drinking I do not think I will be dating anyone anytime soon. There was this girl that I was trying to talk to for the last few weeks and I think that I fucked that up on Friday, but I am not sure. I know I did somethings that made me seem like an asshole but I can not remember when and if she saw me do them. Basically I just do not need to speak to her again. If I fucked up and I am sure I did then I just do not want to know to what extent that I did fuck up. I do not think that she was very interested in me anyway.
And on that note I think that I will go take a shower and go to the art museum.
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[20 Aug 2003|09:27am] |
I drove to B'ham this weekend. Nine hours in the car alone thinking and singing. It was great. I had never driven to my home town alone before and it was a new experience for me. I think I should do that more often. Granted flying is nice, because it is only an hour and a half flight but, to be able to think uninterrupted and drive across beautiful country side was and is a very welcoming idea.
Mental note: Wear sunscreen on the next trip. (The left side of my body is very sunburned.)
After spending 5 days with my family and being around a lot of people that I had not seen in years, i realized that I never want ot move back to Alabama.
However, there was one person that I saw that made me really happy. She was my 8th and 10th grade English teacher. I don't know how to explain it really but in short she touched my life along time ago and the impact that she had continues to affect me to this day. I had been trying tho get in touch with her for a few years so that I could say thank you and I finally got my chance. I was so nervous walking down the hall in the school that she now teaches at that I almost threw up. What made the experience even better was that she seemed to be not only surprised to see me but really excited as well. It was great to be able to talk to to her again and find out what was going on in her life now. I feel as if I finally have closer to something that has been haunting me for years.
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| Lighter... |
[13 Aug 2003|12:25am] |
I feel as if a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Today I gave my boss my two week notice. Yes!!!!!!!!! I am getting away from the YMCA. I have a job lined up already. Granted I will have a pay cut but, I will not be as stressed. Also, I think that I might go away for the weekend. Maybe I'll take a really long drive in my car and go camping or go to the beach. I don't know for sure where but something. I need to do some thinking and I have the idea that a long drive will do the trick.
Oh, by the way, thank you for the advice or should I say lecture. (Just kidding) ;)
Anyway, I think that I will go to bed now I have a busy day tomorrow.
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[10 Aug 2003|08:47pm] |
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I feel everything and nothing all at he same god damn time I fell like I could scream and never stop I feel numb and bored I hate this god damn life that has been dealt to me give me a new hand god I just want to fold what the hell is it that i am working for nothing as far as i can see not one god damn thing i want to run and hide for about 21 more years i feel out of control of my life i lost control a long time ago and i dont know how to get it back
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